The Seven Deadly Sins of the Personal Statement
I had previously written a blog post about what one should not include in their college essays. This post can be read as an extension of the previous post.
Recently, I was invited to give a seminar on college essays. At that seminar, I highlighted some of the pitfalls in essay writing I have seen in past students. Here, I share parts of the seminar:
1) Use big words mistaking it for "depth" or marks of a good writer
Here's one epic fail example: "Poker enthralled me because of its air of complex mental calculation, thoughtful psychological strategy, and simple exhilaration."
Honestly, who writes like this? This is a student who thinks that using big words in a convoluted way would make admission readers think this is depth of writing. No, it's not. Depth comes from the content one is trying to convey, and the cherry on top would be when profound content is expressed in artful use of simple words. Here's one example:
"We were standing beside stacks of… mineral bottles in Kent's kitchen. Despite his chronic lack of space, Kent was a disciple of bulk purchasing." (Source: "How to Practice" by Ann Patchett, The New Yorker, March 1, 2021)
And, here's another example from a student who is currently enrolled at an Ivy. Note how they use very simple words. Yet, the elaboration made about one simple concept shows the strength of the writing skill:
“For most of my life, my Halloween costumes were E: none of the above. I was Dorothy without having seen the Wizard of Oz, I was a Greek Goddess without bothering to choose which one… I went with what was decided for me.”
2) Going into details that only you care about
Many students write like they would narrate a story to a friend, simply going on and on with many details that would only bore the readers. Simply put, the writing is not succinct. I'll do a demonstration of what I mean:
“I’m always kind. Whenever I walk past those who hand out pamphlets, I would take one or a few from them, because I know they have to finish the stacks of pamphlets before they can call it a day... One time, I was at Starbucks, I saw that they were understaffed and there was no more half-and-half. So I decided to drink my coffee black, though I hated it. I don't like to trouble others...”
That was my attempt at imitating what many students do. The following shows how the same content can be succinctly conveyed:
“I’ll accept every pamphlet you hand out on the street... If there’s no more half-and-half on the counter at the coffee shop, I’ll drink my coffee black... I’ll put on three sweaters before I ask you to turn on the heat.” (Excerpt from "Know My Name" by Chanel Miller)
3) Telling a story, without a message (a.k.a message to readers: You go figure it out)
I won't elaborate on this one. I'd just say, the personal statement is an essay; it’s not exactly a "story." So, please refrain from writing like you're narrating a whole event without a message.
4) Simply TELL
The opposite to simply wirting a story or a narrative of an event (see Point 3 above) is probably an essay that is all "Tell" and "no show." Here's an example:
“I look at life through a thorough, analytical, detail-oriented lens. This means I am the one with the backup-backup plan, the student who thinks up every question I possibly can before a test that a teacher might use to stretch my thinking. I work hard to achieve my goals, but I learned that just pushing harder may not be the answer...”
One tell-tale sign that you are doing a lot of "telling" is when you have a succession of "I..." sentences. Remember that the personal statement is not a manifesto; it is an essay, not a list of declarations of who you are.
5) Turning it into a brag sheet/Regurgitating the Activities List
In another blog post, I've mentioned that the personal statement should not be a repetition of what admissions can already infer about you from looking at your activities list.
6) Illogical claims, factual bloopers
Whatever you believe in is your preogative. But what you write about has to be grounded in facts and/or empirical data. My advice is that you should always have an educated adult read your draft before you submit your application. Here are two examples from my students, and needless to say, I did not approve of these sentences:
“I am strong in Math and Physics because I know the Chinese language, which is a language based on orthographic intelligence.”
“I would like to take on a position in government and design an algorithm that will calculate the way the wealth in the country can be fairly distributed so as to solve the problem of poverty.”
7) Attempting humor (not knowing for sure if it is humorous/witty)
Humor can be a whiff or fresh air for your admissions reader who has thousands of essays to plow through. And, while it is something that one may say, lies in the eyes of the beholder, it's always risky to make a deliberate attempt. Not everyone can pull it off well. Perhaps you can run it by a big enough group of people to get some feedback if what you wrote is funny. Don't force it, that's my advice. An essay can impress or touch your admissions reader without it being something that makes them laugh out loud.
